I first began to encounter God as something more than a source of moral rules when my family returned to regular worship when I was in high school, a practice I continued as I went to college at Penn State University. But, as a rule-following perfectionist for whom academic coursework came easily, my faith in God was more a guide for making decisions than a truly profound need. Yet, God was planting in me the seeds of his unconditional love through the thinking about faith and the relationships I formed during those years as part of the Wesley Foundation at Penn State. Little did I know how he was preparing me for a time where I would fail to live up to those moral rules in life’s next phase, when that unconditional love would become a source of healing.
After graduating from Penn State, I pursued my PhD in Electrical Engineering at Purdue University. Those five years of PhD study were a perfect storm of challenges. I had my first experiences of professional failure – failure is essential to the process of PhD research, very different from the coursework I was used to where every problem has a known solution. I experienced significant loneliness moving to a new town and leaving my close friendships. I also took a break from service in the church due to burn-out, which became semi-permanent due to these other challenges and compounded my distress. I turned to sinful vice as an unhealthy way to cope, which only further deteriorated my emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
But God was faithful even before these challenges had come and continues to be faithful. He had planted in me those seeds of his unconditional love, so I knew that I belonged in church despite the shame of my sin. That gave me the courage to continue worshiping on Sundays despite my challenges. As I finished my Ph.D. and moved to Dayton 10 years ago, that fresh start allowed me to begin a slow process of healing my sin and its root cause, my loneliness. Relationships with family strengthened, and both they and my Penn State Wesley Foundation friends spoke God’s forgiveness to me. God provided the opportunity for new friendships to form here in Dayton and had equipped me with the knowledge that cultivating those relationships is an important part of being a whole and healthy person.
This rule-follower who failed to live up to his moral rules better understands the unconditional nature of God’s love in a profound way. It is a love that forgives and helps me shed the shackles of shame amplified by my perfectionist nature. It is a love that not only doesn’t abandon you when you stray but is preparing the long, slow path of redemption even before you stray in the first place. We see that unconditional love demonstrated by Jesus submitting to the cross, and my lived experience brings that unconditional love into even sharper relief for me.